I did not sleep very well last night at all. I just generally feel like a failure. And, based on everyone on Earth yelling at me lately – from strangers in the Fry’s parking lot and old men in Kohl’s to dog park members and Starbucks employees – I would venture to go with my gut and say that my feeling is fact. So I crawled out of bed with my head hung low and printed shipping labels for a few items I had sold on eBay before working out. I then walked to the dog park and yanked a few brittlebush (encelia farinosa) out of the ground before picking up donations to the food ministry for which I volunteer and finding a familiar friend…
See, two weeks ago, I had spotted that little guy and tried to take a video of him skittering across the sidewalk. My mom warned me that he may be a stink bug and, if so, could spray me with his stench at any moment. I then felt something slap my arm and screamed like a little girl only to later realize that it had just been a bush that the bag I was carrying got caught on before springing back and hitting me. After apologizing to the little guy for screaming in his ears during that earlier incident, I dropped off the eBay sales at the post office and stopped at Ace Hardware, where I saw seeds for veggies that I would love to grow at home (but lack the green thumb to truly do so)…
I made a stop back at home to eat breakfast – the rest of the Subway sandwich I had gotten from family friends and neighbors Bonnie and Gary yesterday – and noticed that my internet connection had gone down. I have been experiencing intermittent connection issues for the past two or three months but a few weeks ago I finally made contact with a Century Link tech who assured me he would tend to the issue until it was solved. He had given me his business card and invited me to call and/or text him whenever my internet was down. So I sent him a simple text, telling him that my connection had dropped and then headed off to Wal-Mart to get garlic, kidney beans and finely shredded cheddar cheese for a recipe I would be making for lunch. I also found these – Thomas’ Limited Edition (6 weeks only) Bacon Buttermilk Pancake English Muffins…
When I got back home, the internet was still down and my modem had racked up 200+ link train errors so I sent the Century Link tech another text. I chopped some onions and did some other prep work for my recipe. After another 200+ link train errors, I decided to call the Century Link tech to see if he was even on-duty today because, if not, I may as well call someone else – especially since my intermittent connection issues appeared to have progressed to persistent connection issues. It was then that I was yelled at by yet another person, as the tech told me he is “a working man” and “can’t drop everything to help me” because he has “a supervisor he has to make happy.”
Why was I not born a cat? I mean, I could have just not been born at all but had I been born a cat everyone would love me. Sure, I may get a finger wagged at me or a mollifying lecture every once in a while if I couldn’t make it to the litter box in time, but at least nobody would yell at me. Better yet, my owner would never be disappointed in me and would love me unconditionally because I would not be expected to do anything except sit on her lap. And my tiny heart would never be broken by the knowledge that, as a person, I will never be good enough or amount to anything – at least anything worthy of love anyway. Then again, if I were born a cat, I would not be able to cook. After all, have you ever seen a cat try to wrap its paw around a wooden spoon – which is exactly what I needed to do to make my very special lunch…
I began with two pounds of ground beef, which I started to brown in two tablespoons of olive oil and a sprinkle of salt and pepper. I then added one minced yellow onion and two mined cloves of garlic and continued to brown the beef until cooked through. After that, I added 1/4 cup of chili powder, 1/2 teaspoon of cayenne, one teaspoon of ground cumin and one teaspoon of ground cinnamon and allowed the spices to toast. Then I added two cups of crushed tomatoes, four cups of V8 vegetable juice, one tablespoon of coco powder, two tablespoons of Worcestershire sauce, two tablespoons of sherry vinegar and another sprinkle of salt and pepper.
While I allowed that mixture to simmer for three hours, I began troubleshooting my internet issues, plugging my modem into other electrical outlets, connecting my modem directly to the phone box outside my house and trying a new “plan B” modem I had on standby for situations such as these. None of this made a difference, of course, because the problem resides somewhere outside my home on the line or at Century Link’s central office. However, suddenly my connection was restored – just as the tech arrived. He had cut the line down the road to run a test and that jump-started it and brought life back to my internet. He informed me that he would be having another tech make some adjustments in the central office since this restoration of my connection was only temporary. Since my lunch was still simmering, I then enjoyed some chicken salad and broccoli salad that I had gotten on the discount shelf at Wal-Mart…
After that, I boiled some spaghetti and drained a can of kidney beans while watching two episodes of “The Chew” – yesterday’s and today’s. None of the recipes were particularly “print-worthy” but they did make me crave grilled mortadella and a patty melt with sauerkraut. I also would not mind making what they dubbed the world’s best baked ziti. But by then my lunch was ready. I placed some spaghetti on a dish, poured some of the mixture I had made on top, garnished that with layers of kidney beans chopped onions and finely shredded cheddar cheese and I was finally able to enjoy fresh, homemade chili spaghetti – just like the kind they sell at Skyline Chili in Cincinnati, Ohio…
It was absolutely superb and fit for an anniversary meal. I cannot wait to make it for my wife one day. Believe me, when I get married, the love of my life is going to eat really well. After all, making sure she enjoys delicious homemade meals three times a day is the least I can do in exchange for her agreeing to put up with someone so… unloveable for the rest of her life. Anyway, after lunch I listed a couple of more items for sale on eBay while continuing to catch up on “Days of Our Lives.” I also reached out to the publicist for an Earth Day-themed documentary titled “Tomorrow” with the hope that one of its directors might be able to join us on Breakthrough Entertainment’s Earth Day Special.
I finished my day by watching the two most recent episodes of “Big Brother Canada,” one of which was a double-eviction during which Sarah… I mean Emily… and Neda were sent packing, and enjoying a slice of cake I had brought home from the birthday/anniversary party I attended on Saturday and saved for today – the 19th of the month…
By the way, I have a very important question for you. And I want you to remember this moment because it is one that will forever change your life. Ready for it? OK… What is your favorite pizza topping?
